It has been a couple of years since I have written a closing reflection for this ceremony. A few days ago, I sat down in Josh’s room and jotted down some thoughts and questions that have wandered through my mind over the last nearly 18 years without him. I have entitled them…
“Is it Just Me?”
by Kristan Rojas
Is it just me, or…
Do you accept each coincidence as a sign?
Do you need to read the ending of the book before you begin to read it?
Do you stay far away from sad movies?
Do you talk to your Heavenly child out loud or in your mind almost every single day?
Is it just me, or…
Do you look at the injustice and anger in the world and feel almost peaceful that they are missing it?
Do you still feel connected, even though you cannot see them anymore?
Do you wonder if they are proud of you and how often they “check in?”
Do you hope that you have done enough to honor them?
Is it just me, or…
Do you believe they watch over your other children, giving them grace?
Do you hope they sit quietly next to you as you cry?
Is your life now divided into two parts… before you lost them and after?
Do most of your friends and family have absolutely no idea how difficult this journey is?
Is it just me, or...
Do people still become quiet when you mention their name?
Do you feel compelled to list them as your child when asked how many kids you have?
Do you light a candle near their seat at your holiday table?
Is feeling “quietly sad” your new baseline emotion?
Is it just me, or…
Do you struggle to go through the photos, but are so very glad you have them?
Do you love to have their childhood friends visit, yet do you feel exhausted when they leave?
Are you happy for your friends as they experience life’s milestones with their own children, but do you struggle with feeling envious?
Do you want to feel joyful again, but realize the intensity is now just never the same?
Is it just me, or…
Do you like to be in nature, because, somehow, they feel closer?
Do you like to do things again, but then just want to be back at home?
Do you wonder if they were there to greet loved ones who passed on after them?
Do you have little fear of death now because they are awaiting you?
Is it just me, or…
Do you now believe yourself to be more “spiritual” instead of “religious?”
Do you look at a sunset and whisper their name?
Do you clearly remember the times you were snappy or short-tempered, yet have trouble remembering your kindness and selfless acts?
Do you think they hear your heartbeat still in honor of them?
Is it just me, or…
Do you look at their siblings and see their traits and mannerisms?
Are the days leading up to anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays more difficult than the actual day?
Do you grant yourself the forgiveness and grace you have given freely to others?
Do you finally realize that even though you were not a perfect parent… they were always well-loved?
If I had to guess, many of these thoughts and questions have traveled through your own minds. Though we all have suffered this agonizing loss in various ways, we have more in common than we initially believe. This is just my way of letting you know that all of us here tonight “get it.” All of us, truly understand and you are not alone. The holidays will always be bittersweet, but seeing you here tonight, has given me solace. Thank you for that. Wishing you continued moments of peace each day as you travel through life’s journey toward your awaiting child again.