April 12, 2024
Many people feel that grief is a process that we all must go through until we reach the other side of the pain. Honestly, we have suffered losses such as this, even after losing Josh. We know that this does occur when death follows life’s natural order or when the person lost is not part of our daily lives anymore.
However, losing a child…. that grief is lifelong for parents. It’s more than the physical loss of them. It’s the loss of our hopes, dreams, and the brilliant futures that we knew awaited them.
April 26th marks 19 years since we last spoke with our son, held his hand, listened to his giggle, or witnessed his smile. Even after all these years, we still begin to feel more sensitive and vulnerable in the weeks leading up to this date. It’s as if the protective layers of coping strategies, positive self-talk, and focusing on our blessings have all fallen away, leaving our weary hearts open, tender, and exposed yet again.
Yet, we also realize just how far we have come. Our grief is just as real as it ever was. However, it is quieter now with smoother edges. Our hearts now ache instead of feeling torn apart. The loss of Josh is deeply ingrained into our souls, and we are never without it. But his death anniversary propels us right back to the initial loss of him, without us even realizing it and we are in a bit of a fog again.
From the outside, a grieving parent who has been on this journey for years looks and sounds fine. They are laughing, functioning, and finding moments of joy again. But the loss is always just under the surface. So, if a grieving parent seems a bit quieter than the days before or if they seem overly emotional for no reason… be patient. Their grief is just a bit closer to the surface again.
Once the death anniversary passes, we will pick ourselves back up again and focus on the strategies that have helped us in the past.
Like every grieving parent we have ever been blessed to meet, we would not trade places with anyone. It is our honor to be Josh’s parents and this grief is our way of actively loving him until we reunite someday.